Elizabeth contributes to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop blog, and the following was a recent question to which she responded. Her response follows. Note: Elizabeth would like to thank those submitting questions for your patience, as she aspires to respond in a timely manner, but sometimes can only get to responding after a few months. Please keep submitting your questions!

Question: Often times when we occupy the space between right and wrong, it keeps us from seeing our own responsibility in matters. When we judge others' foibles and personality traits, what does it really say about us? What can we do to identify and get rid of judgment in ourselves and in our lives?

Response: What I hear in this question is a common concern for all of us: we want to be able to respond to our relationships skillfully, and with clarity...

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Elizabeth contributes to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop blog, and the following was a recent question to which she responded. Her response follows. Note: Elizabeth would like to thank those submitting questions for your patience, as she aspires to respond in a timely manner, but sometimes can only get to responding after a few months. Please keep submitting your questions!

Question: Often times when we occupy the space between right and wrong, it keeps us from seeing our own responsibility in matters. When we judge others' foibles and personality traits, what does it really say about us? What can we do to identify and get rid of judgment in ourselves and in our lives?

Response: What I hear in this question is a common concern for all of us: we want to be able to respond to our relationships skillfully, and with clarity. But when we critically examine, say, a conflict we might be having with a friend or family member, we often find ourselves judging others based on “right” or “wrong.” It then seems like the only other alternative is to “occupy the space between ‘right’ and ‘wrong,’” which can come off as neutral or passive. So to me the fundamental question comes down to, “Is there a way of working with relationships without judging or ignoring?”

For me this question opened up a query into the difference between discernment and judgment. When we look at another human being – or ourselves – we see that we are not “one way.” Human beings are creative and destructive, cranky and kind, joyful and miserable…it’s impossible to pin down a human being. We are always a “work in progress.” So when we judge others (or ourselves) we are objectifying or seeing them in a one-dimensional way. There is a closing down around a negative idea and simultaneously there is a non-acceptance of the “fullness” of who they are. This is why, when we judge others, we experience the negativity of our own mind first and foremost.

One thing I like to do when I find myself in these situations is to try to remember at least two other qualities about the person whom we have just “put in a box.” For instance, aside from what is irritating us, we may acknowledge that she is a good mother to their children. We may remember that she brought us soup when we were sick. In this way, we move out of our tendency to judge them – to form a solid picture of them -- which in turn moves us out of our own negativity. This helps us see this person in a fuller way, which, if we are honest with ourselves, is more accurate.

This doesn’t mean that this person doesn’t exhibit habits that challenge us. Nor does it mean that we shouldn’t also find a way to work with or even communicate with this person, set boundaries, and so on… But when we don’t shut down through our judgments, the atmosphere of our mind is open, gentle and non-reactive. We see that this person is not their habit. This gives us a greater capacity for clear seeing and how to relate to them skillfully in order to obtain a positive outcome.

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I deeply believe that seeing the fullness of others, in all their pain and glory, expresses the greatest love and respect we can offer them. It is an unconditional kind of love. And this kind of love has a profound effect on our own minds.

Not long ago a dear friend of mine lost her father. She told me that after his passing her family and friends began to deify and praise him. Although she adored and respected her father, this was hard for her. She said that her father was many things: he was intelligent and kind, but also sometimes rough and gritty, “like a prickly pear cactus.” She had trouble hearing people describe her father in such a one-dimensional way. She felt that her love for her father included the fullness of his human-ness.

I found this touching because her love for her father was inclusive…she didn’t have to forget or disregard him in any way. She could accept him completely for who he was. Her care was not passive or neutral, nor was it limited to judging him as “right” or “wrong.” She was able to accept him fully and see him clearly, both at the same time.

So, in a sense, “occupying the space between right and wrong” doesn’t have to be a neutral space. Instead it can be an inclusive stance that makes room for the full humanity of others. From this ground, we can respond to a parent, friend or co-worker without judgment. When we realize that we can be both open and discerning at the same time, we experience freedom from negativity and meaningfulness in our relationship with the world.